Sorry I did this to myself and you (Like a Sword DVD commentary)

[twomblying]

DVD commentary for Like a Sword aka Divorced JC

🗡️ Q & A 🗡️

Going to start this off with the questions I got over on Neospring -

(Thank you to Orwyn for teaching me how to do these little dropdowns, you're a lifesaver)

In the divorce fic at the mixer, was Jeonghan also drawn to Seungcheol but because he was there ro wingman Joshua (I assume) he backed off? or did he start falling for Seungcheol later on as their friendship developed?

I think Jeonghan was mostly vaguely intrigued by Seungcheol but didn't take him or any of the interactions they were having seriously. Partly, this is because yeah, he's there as Shua's ~wingman. But also, I think he attends that event largely uninterested in finding anyone because Jeonghan at that point in his life would kind of recoil from the idea of presenting himself as someone who openly wants to be vulnerable in the way you have to be to go to a dating mixer with any intention, if that makes sense? But he is drawn to him in some way for sure, that's why it was important to me to write it so that Jeonghan is the one who speaks to Seungcheol first. For me, the moment that Jeonghan does kind of go, 'hmm this guy is kind of interesting to me' is when Seungcheol beats him at his game and figures out his name.

“Sorry I got weird! You took me on a weekend getaway to break the news like you were giving a dog a piece of chocolate before putting it down.” This part!! - Did JH really not know what he was doing? What was his rationale for taking SC to Namiseom? 😣

Okay so I'll touch on Namiseom on its own in a bit because wow did that scene fuck people up even more than I thought it would! I love the Namiseom scene tbh. When I was thinking about this fic, outlining it, writing it, and reading it back, the Nami Island section really struck me as probably one of the most important sections of the entire story. I think it's such a fundamental moment for both of them.

But to focus on your question - and like, you can interpret this scene however you want! That's very much true for all of this. For ME, Jeonghan doesn't realize he's being cruel. Or, he thinks he's measuring out a tiny bit of necessary cruelty to preserve something in the long run? And he fucks up, for sure. It's an incredibly cruel thing to do. But in that moment, he really is thinking about it from the perspective of, like. I want to give this person something. I want to show them that they are special to me and I don't think this monumental life decision I am making has to change anything. He's very wrong, but that's where his head is at.

I actually found this exact question & answer in my notes that I kept while writing:

"Why does YJH bring CSC to nami island? If i do this one small thing now it will just be a blip on the radar before everything smooths out again. It’s better than a major disrupt"

"Even though Seungcheol had not been trying to leave, at least not yet. He’d been gearing up to say something that he doesn’t think either of them can ever come back from. But of course Jeonghan beats him to it." -- I've wondered what SC would have said here. Would he have put distance between them to save his heart and I wonder if JH felt that it was coming so he spoke before SC could say anything?

To be totally honest, I wanted to leave this up to interpretation and have no real idea exactly what he would have said! But generally, yes, I think you're right on the money.

Oh! Was this one of Jeonghan's realisation moments? "Jeonghan’s hands tense and flex. Seungcheol can feel it against the outsides of his thighs. He does some kind of aborted shrug, huffing out a short laugh. “Ah. I don’t know. We all need to revisit our convictions sometimes, don’t we?”

Hmm. I think the period of time between when they meet and the NYE scene (when Jeonghan tells SC outright that the reason he didn't make a move the night they met is because Seungcheol was too eager to date literally anyone) is really interesting, because Seungcheol keeps going on date after date despite clearly wanting to date One Specific Person. It's a bit of a standstill between them? But essentially yes, in my mind, this is a moment when Jeonghan's resolve kind of weakens.

Those were the questions I had lingering in my neospring - thanks again for everyone who sent some in. I just want to say here that while this fic was really important to ME, I really and truly didn't know how it was going to land. I feel overly earnest and precious talking about it like this but it really does make me so happy that people read it and it resonated to the point that they had questions and interpretations. Feel free to drop others and I can always come back and add them here!

🗡️ Deleted Scenes 🗡️

One question I got a couple of times was whether or not there are any "deleted scenes" from Like a Sword. The answer is yes, tons, but not all of them lingered on the cutting room floor. I'm pretty chaotic in my google docs and lots of them truly just got deleted and are gone forever, sorry. But I did have a couple that I found.

39| yjh

“That isn’t fair. I did love him. I did. I’m sorry, Seungcheol. I’m sorry that you got hurt, I’m sorry that I hurt you. But whatever story you’ve told in your head – that I didn’t really love him, that I was only with him because it was – I don’t know, fucking convenient or whatever? It’s not true and it’s not fair. I loved him and then I didn’t and it hurt.”

“I loved him. I also loved you. It’s not that I loved him more or you less. He just –” Jeonghan breaks off, breathing heavily. He feels like he’s run a marathon. He’s trying to figure out a way to say this that doesn’t do a disservice to Yunseo or himself and then decides he’s too wrung out to care about that and just says what feels honest.

“He asked and I said yes. The timing felt right. I couldn’t think of a reason to say no.”

He can tell Seungcheol is hurt by it the way his eyes shutter. Jeonghan would do anything to be able to read Seungcheol’s mind.

When I was still trying to figure out The Yunseo Factor (how does he feel about all of this? how much do we care about that? does JH really love him or is he just filling a space?), I wrote this section. Probably pretty early on actually? And some of this is still absorbed into the story spritually even if this conversation doesn't actually happen -- writing it out helped me get a sense of how JH is feeling about his divorce, about his choices, etc. I do think "He asked and I said yes...I couldn't think of a reason to say no." does actually ring true.

39 | csc

“I never liked him.” It’s ugly and petty. He says it just because he can. 

“Yeah, well. I divorced him.”

The thing about being brave is that it’s so much easier when you’ve got nothing to lose. Seungcheol takes a shallow breath. 

“I wish it had been me.” 

Jeonghan scoffs. “You wish you’d been the one I divorced?” Incredulous, but with a bit of forced amusement.  An attempt at humor that comes out wet and ragged and horrible, but his eyes are begging Seungcheol to go along with the joke. To give them some kind relief from what this conversation has become and from all the ways it can get worse. But Seungcheol can’t. He won’t. He’s tired. 

“Yes.” Seungcheol nods.

He can tell it catches Jeonghan off guard by the way he stiffens. 

“Yeah, yeah I do.” Seungcheol says again. He feels wild when he reaches out a hand to clutch Jeonghan’s chin. Their chests brush with each one of Seungcheol’s heaving breaths. When he speaks, it’s like something is being wrenched out of him. “Do you know why?”

“I don’t.” Jeonghan murmurs, trying and failing to twist away. “I don’t want to hear this.”

“Because then at least I would have had you.”

Early early version of one of the last scenes of the story. In fact, this was the first thing I ever wrote for it, back when I had zero idea what the fuck was happening in the story generally. This entire fic started because randomly in the middle of the night, I thought "I wish you'd divorced me instead." I could not stop thinking about that line, as a piece of dialogue, as a concept, about what the FUCK would have to transpire between two people for that line to happen. And then I wrote 25,000 words about it. But this early version wasn't something I envisioned happening at the end, where the final version of it appears. When I wrote this, I was imagining it as The Confession Scene. Which, I know, makes me insane. Ultimately, I'm much happier with what I ended up using in the fic. But I do go back and read this and feel very There Is Something Wrong With Me.

🗡️ Other Notes & Musings 🗡️

Inspo

Aka the things I tortured all of my friends with by sending them sad fucked up shit and going "divorced jeongcheol" and then they'd get mad at <3

Seungcheol Character Inspo

“A love that isn’t boiling over, nor going cold—a warm love. I want a love that keeps on going like that.” - scoups 20210603 Weverse Magazine

"It’s not like a movie when we kiss / there is no music when we kiss / and I’m gonna have to learn that this love will never be convenient" - front bottoms

"Just make me braver / It's nothing because it's you / Even if it pricks me, I like it because it's you" - svt flower

Jeonghan Character Inspo

"How can I be self destructive in a way that doesn’t negatively effect me at all" - lucy daucus tweet

"I have led a toothless life...a toothless life. I have never bitten into anything. I was waiting." - jean-paul sartre

"I know I kissed you before but I didn't do it right. Can I try again?" - mitski (so much fucking mitski and I don't even LISTEN to her)

"There is something wrong with you. There is something wrong with you that is also wrong with me" - hera lindsay bird

Scene Notes

Nami Island

He should have known something was up when Jeonghan asked him to take a weekend trip to Nami Island.

Everyone's very mad at Jeonghan for this and that is valid. When I was writing the story, this probably came along...a third of way into the writing process? It was very early on.

Look there is something wrong with these men. They are making bad decisions. Jeonghan's making the worse decision of the two here but Seungcheol being like "maybe this is when he confesses his love for me" is like buddy...ykwim? Anyway, I went into this scene knowing I needed a big pivot for both of them emotionally, but especially for SC. For the story to work and for him to start to be able to put distance between them, something like what happens at Namiseom had to happen. It's what Jeonghan does to him, it's what Seungcheol does to himself. I think of Namiseom as a big ol' mirror SC is having to hold up to himself and go, like, what am I doing??

This scene is the reason the "unreliable narrator" tag exists on the fic, tbh. While this section is from SC's POV, in a larger picture way it is a big Unreliable Narrator moment for JH. His perspective on all of it -- what leads up to him taking SC to Namiseom and how he sees it unfold, and, frankly, how the memory settles in his mind in the years after -- is completely divorced (ha) from 1) the reality of it and 2) SC's perspective. This is the worst day of Seungcheol's life, but Jeonghan frames the photo they take under the trees.

Also, just saying, if anyone wants to commission fanart of divorced jc, the Namiseom photograph would truly destroy me, I think.

“You’ve always wanted to see the trees,” Jeonghan says a little helplessly. His eyes are sparkling, he looks happy. Excited.

Seungcheol bites down a smile. “I have always wanted to see the trees.”

"How's the mixer go? Meet anyone?" "Maybe."

This is kind of a small nothingburger scene at the end of the fic, but I'm feeling really sappy and wanted to call it out. It's also a good spot to talk about the structure of the fic. It's pretty obvious to anyone who has seen the film or just knows me at all, but When Harry Met Sally was a big, big reference point for this fic. I think I described it as 'if WHMS were more toxic'

I've always wanted to write a story that spans a full decade, and I have always wanted to write a fic about people in their 30s/40s. When I started writing this, it immediately made sense to set it up as a series of time jumps. It made every scene feel very intetional -- SC and JH spend this whole decade together (with the exception of those two years), so every scene was approached with the mindset of, like, well why this moment from year 34?

I also chose to keep them largely linear, with the present day scenes (year 39) cutting in between. But then I wrote this scene -- Year 30 from SC's POV -- and it was the very last thing I wrote. I remember typing that "Maybe." and then bursting into tears. I KNOW. I'm being very precious about a piece of fan fiction. But this fic took. it. out. of. me. And getting to write that scene that calls back to their first meeting a decade prior was sooooo soothing. They made it <3333

I also think this scene captures Seungcheol's earnestness and his hope, but now that we've pushed through all of the shit, it doesn't feel as heavy or burdensome? And I felt like that was important.

That's all I've got! Hopefully this was interesting to read. Thanks again to everyone who read this fic and let me know. Extra extra thanks to JD, Taylor, Alissa, and whoever follows my fic twitter and cheered me on. Next time I say I have a fic idea and start spamming chats with The National lyrics please check on me.